The Time I Stole Bob's Coat

One morning I was awakened, earlier than necessary, by one of my boys. He came into our room to tell me about his childish mishap. Though it turned out to be not as bad as I was expecting, I immediately allowed a twinge of resentment. I knew that the problem would be mine to deal with. My husband could lie there blissful and carefree, unburdened by the waiting problem. It would fall on my shoulders. But then, right away, I felt convicted. How many times has a problem come up and there was no doubt at all that it would fall on his shoulders? Leaky faucet? Keith's job. Heavy thing to carry? Keith's job. Mouse or spider or any other icky crawly thing? Keith will take care of it and we both know it. It's nice that he is able to relax knowing that there are a lot of things that I'm going to take care of, no question. But I'm a lucky girl because I can count on him, too.
It's easy to feel resentful about our responsibilities. We can fool ourselves into thinking that our loads are heavier than they should be. We think it's not fair. That sort of self-centered thinking can lead to a lot of heartache. In The Sermon on the Mount, Jesus set us straight about fairness. 

38“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth'. 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." 
                                                                                                                      Matthew 5:38-42

I stole Bob's coat once. It was an accident.  It happened one Sunday after church. I had put a coat onto one of my boys and then he ran off. I yanked a black coat off of its hanger and ran after my son. As I called his name and demanded he return to me, I put the coat on and tried to button it. I believe I said something like "Jesse! Jesse! Get back over he- this is not my coat!"
It was Pastor Bob's coat. It was way too big, and had my kid not distracted me, I probably wouldn't have taken it. I went back to where the coats were hanging and Bob was standing there looking politely confused. 
 I confessed. He laughed. He graciously said, "I just figured someone needed it more than me."
Even though someone took something that belonged to him, he didn't act as if his rights had been violated. He didn't talk about fairness. Now, of course, it was only a few seconds that I had Bob's coat in my possession, but he still handled the mistake with grace. 
In the everyday-ness of life it's hard not to feel resentful sometimes. It's hard not to fret about things not being fair. But what I need to remember is that I am so richly blessed in so many ways. And I don't deserve it. I'll try to remind myself of that when I fall into the trap of thinking about "fairness". There are many, many times when something isn't fair in my favor. If everything was fair I would be utterly lost. It wasn't fair when Jesus took my place on the cross. 

It's Not What it Looks Like

I have a small scrape on the heel of my right hand. It's tiny. If I showed it to you and told you that it hurt, you would look at me like I was crazy and think that I'm a whiner. You would think I was just exaggerating unless I explained to you how I got the little mark on my hand.

A week ago I was trying to smash some trash down into the trashcan when I felt a biting pain. Earlier that day my husband had been doing some work in the hallway and thrown out the mess in the trash. I had pressed my hand down right onto a nail. The tiny mark on my hand is not a scrape, it's a puncture.
What looks like a tiny mark was a very painful wound. My whole hand hurt. Even now, it's almost healed on the surface, but really it's still very tender.You can't tell just by looking that it goes deeper.
And it makes me think about assumptions we make. A few days ago I wrote about judgement. I stand by what I said before, people use the "don't judge me" excuse to justify their bad decisions. That "don't judge me because I sin differently than you" statement I see all the time really rubs me the wrong way. Another way of saying that, in my opinion, is "I know I'm being foolish but I don't want anyone to think less of me for it. Other people are foolish too!"  We can't expect people not to lose respect for us if we admittedly do what we know is wrong.
But today I'm talking about something a little different. Sometimes people judge each other, not about right actions and wrong actions, but on the superficial. I'm talking about compassion.
 That clingy child was tiresome, but it turns out she was in foster care and was starving for affection. That girl who keeps to herself that everyone thought was a conceited snob is actually painfully shy. The person behind the counter seemed rude but really he's still stinging because his boss just yelled at him.
We just can't always know what someone else is going though. So let's be guided by what Paul said in his letter to the Galatians:

  1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor. Galatians 6:1-6

All kinds of good stuff in there. Notice that he advises us to get over ourselves and help each other out? At first it may seem contradictory that he says we should carry each other's burdens but everyone has to shoulder their own load.
My pastor explained it in a really great sermon once: A burden is more than one person can handle on their own. Something that's too much for one person. We should pitch in and help. A load is someone's personal responsibility. Something like a backpack. Even children have their own loads that they should be able to take on without help.
If we're too focused on our own loads we won't notice when someone is being crushed by a burden.
We should all go around wearing compassion colored glasses.
Check out this short video made by Fellowship Bible Church in Little Rock Arkansas.  It's a powerful representation of seeing others with empathy and compassion instead of selfishness. Because sometimes what looks like a scrape is really a puncture. Sometimes we have to ask to find out that what looks like a load is really a burden.

Judgmental

I do not think it means what you think it means

you can buy this snarky bag here

     Is it just me or is our culture obsessed with judgement?  Apparently, one of the worst things a person can possibly be is judgmental. It's everywhere. Did you catch it in the Disney movie "Frozen" while your kids were watching it a zillion times? Kristoff sees a whole castle made of ice and confesses he might cry. What does Anna say? "Go ahead. I won't judge".  
    So maybe we shouldn't make fun of people for their preferences,  but it's gone way beyond that. We've gotten to the place where any sort of disagreement at all is categorized as disapproval, arrogance, or even hate. Many who like to throw around the word judge often do so by citing the Bible. Sort of. 
    "Whoever is without sin can cast the first stone. Don't judge." 
    Yep. Jesus did say that. The stone throwing part, anyway. But let's back up and look at the actual passage because context is everything. 

2 At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3 The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4 and said to Jesus, “Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?” 6 They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.

But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7 When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” 8 Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.

9 At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10 Jesus straightened up and asked her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?”

11“No one, sir,” she said.

“Then neither do I condemn you,”Jesus declared. “Go now and leave your life of sin.”

When Jesus told them they couldn't throw stones unless they were sinless He was talking about actual rocks they were going to literally throw at her actual head. Jesus didn't tell them not to say she had done something wrong.  He wasn't being metaphorical when He was talking about throwing stones.  He wasn't talking about hurting the woman's feelings. He didn't say they were hateful for disagreeing with her choices.  He reminded them that they were all sinners, too, and were not qualified to have the authority to decide her fate. Jesus told her He didn't condemn her (though He was and is without sin) and then He said something that I believe our culture would call judgmental: "Go now and leave your life of sin." 

When He tells us not to condemn it does not mean that we shouldn't ever deem someone's actions unwise, it means that we are not to set ourselves up in superiority over them. Those two things are just not the same. It comes down to a heart issue. 
Jesus also said in Matthew chapter 7 "For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you." So I'm not saying it's okay to think we're superior to someone because we think we're "less bad" by comparison.  But when Jesus tells us not to judge He's not giving anyone a get-out-of-jail-free card. It does mean we need to be patient with one another, but it does not mean there's no such thing as accountability. 

Now the Hard Part

Grace in Action

     I've been talking a lot about grace. I claimed that I would choose to be more gracious instead of expecting grace from others. Nice thought isn't it? Well for the past couple of days, God has been giving me lots of opportunists to put grace in my face. It has been very, very, difficult. 

     He is not doing it to be smug. He is not doing it to play games and show me who's boss, even though He IS in charge and has every right to be. Just like everything He does, God is sending me these challenges out of love. He loves me so much He is unwilling to leave me alone in own selfishness. So when I challenged myself to be more like Him, He blessed me in some really uncomfortable ways while still being exceedingly gentle. 

    It's been un-fun, but if you hang with me I'll share a lovely story with you: one of the sweetest examples of grace I've ever heard. Get a hanky ready now. But first suffice it to say I've been tested. Two or three encounters with some of my most irksome pet peeves have given me the chance to practice what I've preached. It's ranged from stupid, subjective annoyances to genuinely intrusive acts of disrespect. But it doesn't matter because I'm still accountable for how I handle it.

    I'll be honest, I haven't behaved as well as I had hoped. While I have responded kindly, or not at all, I've still fumed. I've ranted and vented to my husband about what bothered me. While I did not attack or vent my feelings to the people who presented the annoyances, my heart resisted. Jeremiah 17 talks about how wicked our hearts are "deceitful" and "beyond cure". Thankfully, I don't have to rely on my own strength. If I did I would have no chance at all of success. 

     But God never, ever presents a challenge, or assigns a task, or calls us to obey and then sits back with His arms folded, waiting for us to mess it all up. He's right in it with us. Ahead of us and behind us. It's not by my own strength that I will face my trials with grace, but only with His help. Like I said in an earlier post, it won't be easy. But I won't be alone. 

     So what does grace look like? It's kind of a hard thing to describe. "Unmerited Favor" is the accurate but Sunday Schoolish, somewhat obscure, answer. So here's an example, the story I promised to relay to you. Grace in action.

     My husband came home from work the other day and told me this story that a coworker had told tohim. This man, I'll call him Tom, has a daughter who is divorced. Like in many situations there is hurt and animosity between Tom's daughter and her ex-husband. And unfortunately their children are sometimes the victims of the problems of their parents.  It happened on a weekend visit, the kids were on an outing with their dad. They were excited when he took them to Build-A-Bear, but excitement turned to disappointment when he told them that only one of them would be getting a toy that day. The others would have to wait. The little girl, I'll call her Anne, chose a bear and took it home with her to her dad's house. But when their mother arrived to take them home their dad refused to let Anne take the bear home. It would have to stay at his house and she could only play with it when she was there. There were tears. Anne's mother had to distract so they could  go back home. 

    When Tom and his wife heard about the disappointments of the weekend they stepped in. Their hearts hurt for their grandkids and they wanted to help make up for a little of it if they could. They went on their own trip to Build-A-Bear and this time the other two children got to pick out toys. The little boy I'll call Nick chose a bear just like Anne's. He wanted one just like his big sister's.

   And when he had it all done, he gave it to her. 

   Where an adult had used manipulation and selfishness, a little boy put his sister first. He used grace to turn away wrath when he had every right to take his own turn. Instead he got in the back of the line and let his sister go first. Again. 

     Children should not have to clean up messes that adults make. This story humbles me when I think about how I react when I feel someone has violated my rights. I could shove back, But instead I want to step back. What a difference there is between childishness and childlikeness. Sometimes age has nothing to do with it. Sometimes grace has everything to do with it.

Grace Wins Again

Grace Wins Again

   I've been thinking a lot about something that Jon Acuff said a few weeks ago. He said "Using cynicism to protect yourself from the bravery that having hope requires is the sneakiest form of cowardice there is." Well, Jon was talking about setting goals and keeping goals and doing all the things that need to be done in order to achieve your goals, and he was absolutely right.  

     What really got me, though, was that cynicism is inherently sneaky and, by its very nature, cowardly. It doesn't seem like it, but it is. 

      A good friend of mine pointed this out to me recently when we were discussing a popular YA novel. One of the main characters always "won" the disagreements because she always resorted to cynicism and it's so hard to argue with cynicism. 

    - I can't believe you fell for that.   

    - You really think that's going to work? Please.

    - Yeah, right, because (insert more sarcasm here).

  These are just hypotheticals that I'm making up on the spot, but don't you hear the scornful tone? Can't you just hear the arrogance and superiority? Haven't you felt your heart just deflate when you've spoken optimism and had someone douse the warmth with cold cynicism? Did it make you doubt yourself? Me too.

       Is there a point to this, because it's getting depressing in here.  Yes. I have a point. I think there's something that's even harder to argue with than cynicism. 

Grace.  

Proverbs 15:1 says "A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." 

      Did you notice that? Turns away wrath. So even if it's already headed for us, a gracious answer can diffuse a conflict. Have you ever been in a situation where someone wants to make a game out of something that shouldn't be a competition?  

      -Is Billy still having a hard time learning to read? My Sally made honor roll. Again. 

      -My boyfriend bought me five dozen roses. Do you have any plans for Valentine's Day this year?

       -I love our new house. I just finished painting all the walk-in closets. Have you found a house in your price range yet?

Gross.

      My nature wants to fight back. To put them in their place. To play- no, to win the game they dragged me into. But I don't have to play along and there's no winner in those types of games anyway. Just pettiness and selfishness.  But grace wins. Grace lets us surrender our pride and put our attackers into God's capable hands. It's a much better place for them to be than behind us at an imaginary finish line. 

    

Grace in Your Face

Grace in Your Face

     What I'm about to say might rub some people the wrong way, but just bear with me for a minute before you get mad and me and leave the page. Just hear me out, okay? I want to say something about those lists we see all the time on social media. You know the ones I'm talking about. Those lists of things not to say. 

    10 Things NOT to Say to Chess Players.

    6 Things NOT to Say to Soccer Moms. 

    35 Things People Who Like Bananas Are Tired of Hearing. 

    I'm not saying all of them are wrong, because I get it. I do. See, for those of you who've never met me in person, I'll tell you something about myself: I'm not very tall. At all.  I don't mind the way I am. I can curl up comfortably in any chair. I have very small feet and sometimes can wear really cute shoes because girls' size 3 will fit me. I always have leg room in a car, even in the backseat. I can nap on the love seat in my living room, no problem. So there are some perks. What's more, God made me this way on purpose. I like myself the way I am.  Except for not being able to reach things and sometimes having a hard time finding clothes that fit properly, it's not a big deal,
     But here's the thing I really don't like about it at all. I don't like being laughed at. Though I am fully aware of my height, people feel the need to remind me of it constantly. Ironically, my friends are sometimes the worst ones for it. They mean well. They're my friends so they mean it in a "nice" way. They don't mean to hurt me. But they're saying the same stuff as the people who do mean to hurt me. The underlying message is the same: The way you are is not okay. If it were okay we wouldn't be laughing at you. 

    So it still hurts a little. Even if they don't mean it to.

    I'm not saying this to rant. This isn't a whine-fest, I promise. These are my credentials for what I'm about to say next. So you know that I meant what I said before. I get it. I get where they're coming from.

    The problem with those "what not to say" lists isn't that they don't have a point (okay, some of them are a little extreme) but that they're going about it the wrong way. They just don't work. No one will ever educate the whole word and never have to hear those things again. 

     I promise you that short people know they're short. They don't need you to tell them. They don't like it when you ask how tall they are. They don't like being compared to children or told that they're even shorter than your short cousin. But I could post those statements on social media every day of my life and still people will make cracks about my height. "Amie! Can you even see over your steering wheel? How do you drive? HAHAHA!" I know that people will always say those things to me.

    So here's what I'm getting at: What are those lists really asking for? Grace. Even the dumb ones that expect us to be mind readers and know just by looking at someone what their preferences are. They just want grace. What they're really asking is for everyone to be mindful of their feelings. The problem is, it just doesn't work that way. We can't rearrange the world according to our own comfort. People are careless and sometimes cruel. 

     There's no point in expecting the world to be gracious. It will never happen as long as we live under the Curse. Grace can still protect us from unexpected, painful barbs, but instead of wishing that people would filter what they say through grace, we have to filter what we hear.We can choose to pull grace even closer. We can stuff our ears with it. It won't be easy. But when a good friend laughs because I stand on something and now we're the same height, I'll remember that my pain is not their goal. Come to think of it, if it is their goal to hurt me, grace can protect my heart even then if I simply forgive them.
      You can't put grace into the mouths of others. You can put grace into your own ears. See what I'm saying?  Grace in your face. And yes, I get that it's a little ironic because I'm saying what we should and shouldn't do. So take my advice or leave it. Either way, it's okay, because that's my whole point. The only person I can be truly responsible for is me. Another person's comments don't define me. Not their insults and not their complements. So I will choose not to let it go to my head. Not to let it hurt my heart. At least I'll try. I can be impervious, with the help of Jesus, because of grace. If not the grace in someone else's heart, then the grace in mine. 

     

Wrecking and Building

Wrecking and Building

One morning a dear friend of mine made an observation on facebook. It was an observation about facebook, actually. More specifically about how people react to 
different types of posts.She was discouraged by how posts that are negative and complaining seem to get more attention and more “likes” to than the positive, more upbeat ideas. Her  statement resonated with several people, including me.
There are many theories about why the negative could tend to be celebrated while the  positive is frequently snubbed, but I think this is a big one:It's much much easier to destroy than it is to build. 
Think about it. Even in amoral contexts this is true. A house of cards is difficult to set up but the slightest touch will topple it.It takes a lot more effort to prepare Thanksgiving dinner  than it does to eat it.It takes time, planning, skill, etc, but to consume the meal, all you have to  do is show up. Toddlers do it.And speaking of toddlers, it takes some time to fold the  laundry, but my boys could strew it around the living room in seconds. But what  about things that matter?How much harder is it to infuse another person with confidence than it is to belittle them?How much more difficult to cheer someone who is suffering than to criticize someone who is flourishing? I know from personal experience that it's difficult to write a story, but easy to  pick apart one I don't like.
The challenge is to choose what's best. To do what's right. I think that people tear down  because it makes them feel powerful.For example, bullies think that if they diminish  someone else it makes them more important.That is the cowardly way.The better way is  described in Proverbs 15:13 “A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes  the spirit.”I don't think it's as easy as it sounds, but the right thing rarely is.